The Only Thing Constant is Change

Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.
~  Fyodor Dostoevsky

 

It has been a long time since I’ve updated this blog.  Today I feel compelled to begin anew.  It has been a rough 2011 so far and it all came to a head two weeks ago.  It has felt like love has left my life, leaving an empty pit that has been filling up with the wet cement of hate, anger and despair.  Those are elements that quickly dry and leaves a blemish on the soul like a shoddily repaired pothole.  But clarity always comes when they eyes are open for it.  One must be vigilant because it doesn’t always come in the form of a grand epiphany.  Today, for me, it came during a drive down the highway.  Fate made today a nice day so that I would drive with the window rolled down and the cool, fresh air blowing in my face put me in a rare state of peacefulness.  That is when the strong, courageous, yet mostly stifled part of my psyche shouted above the din of my enmity.

The ugly truth: fear is the fuel of my life.  It is a slavish devotion to the dark side of my hind-brain.  I fear reprimand.  I fear being a burden.  I fear rejection.  I fear my bank account.  I fear my friendships.  I fear my boss.  I fear my employees.  I fear God.  I fear fate.  I fear life.

This fear has held me back from way too much.  It is ruining the good things I have.  It has driven away the best parts of living.  Every time one of my millions of fears materialize into reality, the fear ratchets up ten-fold and thus my life becomes devoted to preventing the same scenario repeating in perpetuity.  Thus enabling fear to seep even further into the cracks of the wall I’ve built in a cowardly attempt to keep out the bad aspects of great things like love, excitement, spontaneity, sex and adventure.

This anxiety has taken too much and this time, the other shoe has dropped on my fear.  My life was not meant to be lived in despair and worry.  I am too valuable to this world.  I want current events in my life to reverse themselves so that I can practice and prove that I can make my world better by my volition.  I want to show that I can make life great for the ones I love and not burden them by the shackles of my own trepidation.  But I can’t have those things.  However, the sun will not set on my future either.  My worst fears have come true, but fear begets fear and it will be my undoing if I don’t persevere.

Some day I will die.  But today is not that day.  Today is the day to live.  And so is tomorrow.  The walls will come down.  Love, happiness, excitement, and life will rush forth like a raging river that has been released from a dam.  I will stand stoic as the waters overtake me…along with everything that washes along with it.

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